A Demon, you ask? Yes Nicotine is the name of the grisly demon that torments me without rest. It is the evil most responsible for preventing me from having a fulfilling life as defined by my Handbook for Life. Yet, I yield to this demon with a sick, syrupy enthusiasm and almost-love.

I had my first personal encounter with this imp at the impressionable age of 12. I was playing arcade games at a bowling alley, when I was offered a cigarette by another patron. I smoked the cigarette and it made me feel horrible. It hurt my lungs and made me cough and made my eyes water and my nose run. But at the same time I had a little whisper in my ear saying that this wouldn’t always happen. Indeed, I looked around and saw people smoking cigarettes who were showing no discomfort whatsoever. The voice continued whispering; saying that once I trained my body to accept the smoke, It would actually bring much pleasure into my life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

At around the same time, my friends and I were becoming very interested in evolving into independent beings which, when viewed by adult humans, is usually referred to as rebellion. Keeping with this goal, I happened upon a circumstance that allowed my friends and I to try chewing tobacco. My initial reaction to chew (or "scooby-snack" as it came to be referred to in my circle) was similar to my first experience with cigarettes. Except, this time, the evil whisper was a bit louder. Days and weeks passed. Frequency of Nicotine communion increased. And a year later I was allowing my body to be invaded by Nicotine on a daily basis.

At this point I want to make it clear that I was never really "pressured" by my peers or by Evil Tobacco Marketing Departments to use tobacco. And although I was being educated on the dangers of tobacco use, I usually stuck to my General Rule of Learning: Ignore everything unless it has to do with music or science. I just found myself, at age 13, using tobacco (the communication device for Nicotine) on a daily basis. It’s ironic, in retrospect, that had the anti-tobacco messages been presented mathematically (such as financial burden) or otherwise tailored to an intelligent being, I may not have ever continued using it. But that’s another rant for another day.

I was successful in quitting tobacco use for two years while I was in high-school by substituting another obsession. Sex quieted Nicotine’s voice that was, by now, more of an authoritative shout than the reassuring whisper of a few years before. But, as anybody knows, sex is not available in convenient little packages, and is not in infinite supply but for the exceptionally rich, talented, good-looking, etc. And Nicotine was right there to pick up where sex had left off. I was also able to ignore Nicotine’s manipulative shouting for 2 months while I was in basic training in the Army. Fear and exhaustion, I’ve found, are wonderful distracters.

Outside of the short times mentioned above, I’ve been commanded by Nicotine since age 12. And now, at age 25, Nicotine’s voice has changed into a powerful, dirty hand with long, sharp fingernails tightly gripped around my fragile brain. If I refuse to submit, Nicotine squeezes harder. And now I cannot have 24 hours without being raped by Nicotine. In order to quit smoking, I start chewing. In order to quit scoob, I start smoking. And now I am faced with a seemingly impossible challenge. I have to quit but I’m stuck in a few situations that prevent me from being successful. Which brings me to the Catch 22’s.

1. Getting in shape would motivate me to remain Nicotine free but I must quit using tobacco if I’m to get in shape.
2. I commute 60 miles a day to work and must get gasoline every other day. Convenience stores and gas stations are Demon brothels specializing in quick-fix overindulgences and must be avoided to successfully quit using tobacco.
3. I could try using "the patch" or "the gum" if I had the money. In order to free up the extra money I need to quit spending on tobacco.
4. The amount of sex required to eclipse Nicotine’s grip is impossible (or impractical) for my wife or any human female to supply. Masturbation doesn’t cut it.

I’ve considered a couple of techniques that I haven’t tried yet. They, indeed, seem drastic and unnecessary, but I am becoming desperate.

• Hypnosis seems like a logical option. The expense, coupled with some doubts about the effectiveness, subtract from the likelihood of this being an option worth pursuing.
• I’ve thought about checking myself into a detox clinic but this seems like overkill and a waste of resources. Besides, the clinics probably allow, perhaps even encourage, smoking on the premises.
• I would probably have no trouble quitting if I could, somehow, sleep for a week straight. This isn’t possible without the use of anaesthetic. I wonder if I could get involved in a scientific study that would "put me out" for a week. This, to me, would be the easiest and lazy-friendly way to quit but is probably too fantastic.

I am faced with the responsibility to quit consorting with Nicotine because I am at a turning point in my life. The problems lie in the quest for an effective motivator/reward system to soften the discomfort of this life-changing event in which I am determined to participate. Fear not, constant reader. I will find a way.

Four Marlboro Light 100’s were harmed during the creation of this document.